Ted:We should buy a bar.
Barney:Of course,we should buy a bar!
Ted:We should totally buy a bar!
Barney:We should totally buy a bar.Our bar would be awesome.And dude,dude, dude,DUDE!The name of our bar...Puzzles.People will be,like,"Why is it called Puzzles?".That's the puzzle.
Ted:That is...A great name for a bar!
Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars. Ted: You've gotta calm down. Marshall: I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it? Ted: Dude, it's just a movie. Marshall: Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are. Ted: Marshall, its just a movie. Marshall: Ha. Ted: Its just a movie. Ted: Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her. Marshall: No, you can't. Ted: Wanna watch it again? Marshall: Yes I do
Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man-2/3 times, guaranteed!
"Ahh Tantrum… Tantrum was a softdrink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an intensive study by the FDA. TANTRUM!"
Ted and Marshall`s Classic Road trip-In memory of Marshall's Fiero
I`m gonna be 500 miles-The Proclaimers Ted: So... this song. Marshall: Oh, it's the best song in the world. It's the only song I like. Just kidding. Tape's been stuck in the player for, like, two years. Better than nothing, though. Ted: Maybe. Marshall and Ted:Da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)
da da da dun diddle un diddle un diddle uh da Ted: I am so... sick... of this song. Marshall: Don't worry. It comes around again. Ted: What do you mean? Marshall and Ted:Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles to fall down at your door... Marshall: Yeah, we totally nailed the ending. Ted:That was probably our best one.
Barney: This isn't right.. God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds! Ted: Relax, you're doing great. Ignore the old lady on the Rascal.. this isn't a race. Barney: Dude! A dog! Ted: Zitch-dog! Yes! One nothing! Barney: Crap, what do I do? Tell me what to do Ted! Ted: Step on the break.. some time in twenty minutes
Barney: Which one's the brake again?! Ted: The left one. Barney: Left.. left. Oh man, left.. I'm totally blanking! Ted: Just make the "L's" with your hands. Barney: Help me Ted! Ted: Stop, drop and roll. Barney: Be serious! Stop, drop and roll? Ted: Screaming is fun! Screaming is funnnn! Barney: Uh! I cant move. I can't feel my... Uh... We're okay... Ted: We're okay. Barney:I'ts a MIRACLE Ted!!!
God,it's me, Barney. What up?I know I don't talk to you enough, although many women cry out your name during sex.Awesome!
The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.True story
The
rules of how to keep a girl you're seeing from being your girlfriend
are the same rules as the ones for gremlings.1.Never get them wet.2.
Keep them away from sunlight.3. Never feed them after midnight.
My friends, I have been
with many women in my day.Lawyers, teachers,
poets, doctors,Professional equestrians,
amateur equestrians...A butcher, a baker,
a candlestick maker-Yes, we're to the
rhyming section now-A math professor, a tax
assessor, a weight guesser...(one hour later)
A puppeteer,A blackjack dealer,A stay-at-home mom-
that's a job, too, guys-A circuit court,judge...I have never,ever scored a hot bartender.
Barney:It was the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
Ted: 'It was the night before this one, and hours to kill
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
The Best Night Ever Lyrics:
It was the best night ever
Laughter raining down like April showers
Oh, we talked for hours
Best night ever.
Remember when Lily told to that story 'bout the DMV
They're not very efficient there, which is why it was funny Then we played charades
Lily made some créme brulée-lay-lay-lay-lay
And now that we're best couple-friends
There's only one thing
Left to say...
Are you free?
Are you free?
Are you free?
Are you free?
Are you free next Saturday?
(Spoken) That's the 17th.
Or basically any other day
